I’m Basically An Expert On Florida Wildlife (& Hockey Mascots) After Reading About This Burmese Python With A Mouth Like A Blue Whale

I like to think of myself as fairly educated when it comes to wildlife matters, especially in the United States, but boy was I put in my place. I’m basically just another moron. But, I read all about it, so now I’m back to being an expert on all things Florida wildlife.

According to Conservancy of Southwest Florida, this 30-pound Burmese python swallowed a 35-pound fawn WHOLE! Like, look at that thing. Scary.

I know there are snakes in Florida, but this is some Amazon jungle shit. The invasive Burmese python can grow to about 20 feet and this fucker was only 11. A full-grown one could probably swallow me whole. Granted, I still haven’t worked off those extra holiday pounds, but that’s only because I haven’t really tried yet. When I finally get my summer body back, sometime in late October, a full grown Burmese python could definitely take a run at me. I pretty much stay away from Florida though, so nothing to be worried about. More importantly though, these invasive Burmese pythons are decimating the small mammal population in Florida, which is destroying the main diet of Florida’s endangered panthers.

Florida Panthers? Like, the hockey team? No, not like the hockey team.

As a big hockey guy, I got to plead ignorance on this one. I had no clue that the Florida panthers were based on real-life panthers that are an endangered species. How was I supposed to know that panthers are roaming the Everglades? I never seen a Blackhawk in Chicago or a Bruin in Boston, so it only stands to reason that most pro hockey teams and their mascots are not scientifically connected to flora and fauna of the particular region. If that’s the case, maybe the Nashville Predators should follow suit and change their logo to Kirt Webster or something… Zing.

In summary, the Burmese python is an invasive little fuck that’s eating deer whole and ruining life for the already endangered Florida panthers, the animal, not the hockey team. The hockey team is doing alright. Well, sorta. Bambi, on the other hand, is not.

Now you know.