Here’s What Happens To Your Party Life As You Approach 30

A group of people sitting around a table with party hats on

Your body says “FUCK YOU” after the age of 25. No longer can you eat like shit all week, you grow a tire around your belly. No longer can you drink booze all week, you have a hangover that lasts for 9 days.

Here are 30 signs you’re approaching the 3-0.

A kitchen with a sink and a toaster oven

30. You really appreciate good whiskey.

29. You’re always tired. No matter how much sleep you get, you’re always fucking tired.

28. You get smellier easier.

27. You get drunker way quicker. A couple drinks and you’re slurring your words.

26. Doing shots puts you down like a rabid dog being hit with a tranquilizer. Am I dead?

25. You don’t need all the foo-foo bullshit when going out for a drink.

24. Working out sucks shit. But you try…but don’t see results really.

23. Your Facebook feed is all marriages, babies, and food videos.

22. You sit in actual seats at concerts.

21. Most bars seem too loud. You prefer a rickety bar stool.

20.You love buying candles. Sometimes, you even light them and take a bath with candles. Baller Saturday Night.

A kitchen with a sink and a toaster oven

19. Listening to acoustic playlists is 70% of your week.

18. You really want a puppy. Correction, you NEED a puppy.

17. You don’t understand what the kids are saying these days.

16. And you can’t believe someone born in 2000 is a teenager.

15. You fucking love sales. And Amazon. All. Day.

A kitchen with a sink and a toaster oven

14. Selling shit you’ve owned is your side business.

13. You have a Motorola Razr somewhere in your junk drawer.

12. Cooking dinner is really fun.

11. You can’t stop eating cheese.

A kitchen with a sink and a toaster oven

10. You notice when food labels talk about nutrients, minerals, and fiber.

9. You want to cry when you hear some 90’s Garth coming out of the speakers.

8. You’re all about that low interest rate.

A kitchen with a sink and a toaster oven

7. There’s no way in hell you could survive a 3-day festival, camping outside.

6. You were in college like 10 years ago, the fuck…

5. Your childhood crushes could basically be your parents.

4. Fuck New Year’s Eve.

A row of colorful cans

3. You eat so much kale.

2. Your back and neck are always fucked up.

1. Happy Hour is exactly that, you being happy for an hour then going to bed.

A kitchen with a sink and a toaster oven

A beer bottle on a dock


A beer bottle on a dock