7 Things You Better Not Bring To Your Memorial Day Cookout

Zac Efron holding a drink and a woman in a swimsuit

Memorial Day Weekend means one thing… cookouts.

There’s always some ass clown that shows up with the most ridiculous dish. Something that they are going to try and sell to the entire crowd as the greatest thing since sliced bread or something that they sure as hell won’t touch either, but they had to bring something. So what dafuq you thinking?

A person holding a trophy

Here’s 7 things that you better not bring:

1. Something experimental.

I am not your guinea pig and you are not a chef. Don’t start playing mad scientist in the kitchen and then tell me how great your latest creation is. New pitches are for spring training, not the world series. Practice at home.

2. A bowl of f*ckin Jello.

You can’t shotgun a beer and then have a piece of Jello. We’re not 6 years old anymore and I don’t care what stupid mold it’s in. Get rid of it.

3. Potato salad unless you’re a professional chef.

Nothing worse than someone making potato salad that doesn’t have a clue. Leave it to the professionals or leave it home.

4. Any type of vegan meat substitute.

Tofu, veggie patties, tempeh, seitan, turkey bacon…. You bring any of that sh*t and I will cut you.

A person holding a trophy

5. Leftovers

This is the weakest sh*t I’ve ever seen. You’re going to show up with half a lasagna that your mom dropped off last night? C’mon man.

6. Condiments.

Pull your weight. You might as well bring bottled water.

7. Subway.

It’s a cook out. That means you need to COOK something. No pre-made sandwich trays with rubber meat. No pre-made vegetable trays with warm ranch dipping sauce.

A person holding a trophy

A beer bottle on a dock



A beer bottle on a dock