The Scientific Reason Why You Should Be Saving The Pooping For Work

A silver and gold ring

I know, I know.

You see that headline and think what in the F-K is this guy talking about. Well, I’m talking about getting some sense into the working man and woman out there. The man and woman out there working their ass off at a job they probably hate.

I’m all about working hard, being honest, doing things the right way. Once upon a time I worked in your typical stuffy corporate setting. Business casual. Fake hellos. Fumbling around with a coffee machine I didn’t know how to use. I hated it. So, what did I do? I took extra long poops at work.

Why? Because you’re getting paid to poop, guys and girls.

At the time, I was paid hourly during some bullshit sales training period. I quit that job four-weeks in (psh, I couldn’t take that shit no more, pun intended). I wasn’t making good money and I was miserable. So, what did a smart guy like me do? I did a little math. Simple.

Typically, I would wake up and make my morning coffee at home. Within 90 seconds my stomach was vibrating like the speakers at a Bon Jovi concert. The business is done, and you go to work. But, wait. That makes no sense. Why don’t I WAIT, and drink my coffee at work. Let the dancing stomach commence there. So, that’s what I did.

I would have my coffee at about 10am, right about the time I usually wanted to jump out of the window. I would leave for the restroom. I would be gone for 10-15 min. Who cares, ya know? If someone asks what’s going on just stare them down with that I don’t owe you nothing look. Math time….

Let’s call it 10 min per day pooping, 5 days a week = 50 minutes per week. Multiply that by 52 weeks in a year and you get 2,600 minutes / 60 minutes in an hour = 43.33 hours. Multiply that by your hourly rate (mine was $16 during this training snooze fest) and you get $693.33 per year.

That’s almost $700 per year TO POOP.

Now if you’re salaried? Oh, man. Now the fun really starts. There’s no incentive for you to be clocked in longer and you feel a little more comfortable with your time. Make that poop a 15 minute session if you need to. If your salary is $40,000 per year, that comes out to about $19.23 per hour. 75 minutes a week pooping x 52 weeks = 3,900 minutes / 60 = 65 hours. Multiply 65 by $19.23 and you’re talkin’ $1,249.95 a year spent POOPING.

$1,249.95 a year spent POOPING.

So guys, girls, next time you’re making that morning coffee at home before work, stop, and ask yourself if it’s the right thing to do.

If they ain’t payin’ you enough, or if you’re just another floating head in a cubicle, just start pooping.