90’s country is the best country.
Of course, I’m probably biased because it’s the music that I grew up listening to. But the best country music tells a story, and there was no better love story than the time Sammy Kershaw found his soulmate.
I’m talking, of course, about his 1993 hit, “Queen of My Doublewide Trailer.” Is there any song that takes us on more of an emotional roller coaster? From finding the girl of his dreams to almost losing her to some dude named Earl, and then winning her back again with onion rings, this song has all the highs and lows that make a great country love song.
Let’s start from the beginning and break down this Shakespearean saga. Sammy walks into Murphy’s restaurant and meets this country girl who’s “fresh from the farm.” Naturally he’s interested, so he strikes up a conversation by the lobster tank. Then Sammy just starts throwing money at this bitty, buying her all of the things that it takes to win a girl’s heart, like sloe gin fizzes and chicken fried steaks. Who the hell WOULDN’T like living like that? Ladies, find you a man who’ll buy you chicken fried steak, because that’s a man who appreciates the finer things in life.
Naturally by this point Sammy is ready to wife this girl up, so he takes her back to his house…er, his doublewide trailer. You know, the one with the polyester curtains and the redwood deck. There goes Sammy, throwing that baller money around again on shit like polyester curtains.
But then what does this girl do? She rips Sammy’s heart out and runs off, leaving Sammy to chase after her dang black heart and her red neck. Women, am I right?
Luckily though, that’s not the end of the story. Because despite what the comedians might tell you, not every country song ends with a guy losing his wife and his dog.
A few nights later, Sammy’s at the park and who does he see but his heartbreaking little minx from Murphy’s. Only now she’s found a new love interest – some mechanic named Earl. And it’s in describing this bastard Earl that Sammy manages to deliver one of the greatest lines in country music. No, not just in country music. In all of American history.
Sammy tells us that Earl is the “Charlie Daniels of the torque wrench.” THE CHARLIE DANIELS OF THE TORQUE WRENCH. Tell me this isn’t one of the greatest fucking lines of poetry ever written. This is right up there with “Ask not what your country can do for you” and “Four score and seven years ago.”
Well Sammy’s not about to give up on love that easy, so he starts whispering sweet nothings in her ear. With Earl sitting right beside her on that park bench. Sammy’s got some balls, doesn’t he? Well he’s got game too, because Sammy says the two words that would make any girl come running back to the doublewide: Onion rings.
And with that, Sammy and his queen walk back to his truck, leaving Earl crying on a park bench as he realizes that a torque wrench won’t fix a broken heart. (Kinda makes you wonder if this is the same Earl that ended up in the Dixie Chicks’ trunk a few years later. Maybe this was where it all started).
Man, what a crazy ride. It’s always nice to see the hero get the girl, and in this case, all it took was some chicken fried steak and onion rings.
If only it were always that simple…