It all goes to shit after you turn 26.
The hangovers become real. Back-to-back drinking days result in three-day hangovers that linger within your soul like a curse brought on you from some voodoo lady down in New Orleans. Your brain trying to function can best be described as a dog having diarrhea. It’s not pretty. Panic, anxiety, the physical strength of a newborn kitten, thinking you’re having a heart attack…just a standard hangover at 30.
The three-day hangover at 30 is so real, and so painful, but we still welcome it with open arms. The timeline of events from your first drink to the moment that hangover sets in is a roller coaster of emotions.
Here’s how it goes…
24. One day before your planned weekend of drinking, you get super excited. Like, weirdly excited. Almost like you’ll never drink again. You can’t concentrate at work.
23. The day of drinking arrives. You’re even more excited. Your palms might even get sweaty.
22. You start the festivities and celebration. What are you celebrating? Doesn’t really matter. You’re celebrating the day.
21. You get drunk on day one, and it feels great.
20. You wake up oddly early, with an insane amount of energy on day two. What the fuck is going on?
19. You might still be drunk.
18. You are likely still drunk.
17. But, because you’re a real adult now, you can’t go back to sleep, so you do random shit like clean, cook, and maybe even attempt a workout.
16. You know you’re deathly dehydrated, so you make a nice Pedialyte to lubricate the bearings.
15. You take a cold shower (maybe even laying down), and tell yourself “I have no hangover.”
14. You start the day-drinking for day two.
13. After one drink, you are in such a good mood you feel crazy. Literally insane.
12. You keep drinking, but crash earlier than night one.
11. You wake up on day three, and can barely breathe. Your body is overheating, your head hurts, you have a taste in your mouth somewhere in between hot summer dumpster and blue cheese.
10. You’re so dehydrated you can’t even blink, as your eyes have turned to glass.
9. You drink enough water and Pedialtye to fill a suburban backyard pool.
8. It’s time to rally, so you crank some music, and try to not let the hangover depression set in.
7. You try to eat.
6. You get ready for day three with your puffy ass face.
5. Alcohol now tastes super weird, so you start making fucked-up drinks like white wine on the rocks, or Grape Pedialyte with Tito’s.
4. You get a good buzz during the day, but can never quite get drunk. This is your body screaming for help and telling you to “fuck yourself.”
3. You go to bed. You wake up. You survived.
2. Now, for the next 3-5 days, your brain works as smoothly as a McDonalds ice cream machine. All you want to do is curl up in the fetal position, light a candle, put on some depressing music, and cry while eating pizza and drinking Sprite.
1. But, the body is resilient. The heavens have opened, and the light shines down. The hangover is gone after three days. It’s Thursday.
Who has the best happy hour specials? The cycle begins again…
* image by Stacey Newman / Shutterstock.com