The Official “I’m A Real Adult” Checklist

At what point are you actually an adult?

I’m not talking about the day you turn 18, no no. I mean like a real adult? Doing adult things. Well, here are 20 signs you’re officially an adult. A real adult.

1. You buy toilet paper and paper towels before you actually need them

Prior to being a real adult, you run out of toilet paper or paper towels all the time. You might have to wipe yourself with Kleenex, or the last of the paper towels, or use toilet paper to clean up a mess. You never are stocked with everything, at all times. UNTIL you become an adult. You’re always ready. Always stocked.

2. You have an expensive coffee maker.

Either that or one of these hipster coffee maker machines like a pour-over.

3. You put a bowel of lemons in your kitchen.

It’s decoration, it’s for lemon water, it’s for putting lemon on your salmon, etc…

4. Your mattress is in the middle of the wall instead of in the corner.


5. When you get angry if your parents try to give you money.

I don’t need that shit. Well, I do, but get it away from me.

6. When the price of your shampoo/conditioner/body wash equals the cost of a pair of jeans.

No more Suave…

7. When you actually enjoy wine, maybe even get nerdy about it.

So sophisticated you are…

8. When you drink quality liquor with no mixers.

Casamigos, couple ice cubes, done.

9. You buy Kombucha often.

Need the probiotics. Kombucha smells like a foot but you’ve grown to love it.

10. When you own a Roomba.

Literally spent $400 on a UFO Robot that cleans your floor. Amazing.

11. When you have to be out of the house by 7pm or you’re staying in.

No more pregaming until 10:30.

12. When you buy expensive coasters.

“Please use a coaster. It was cut from a branch of a rare Pacific Northwest cedar tree.”

13. When you tell people to take off their shoes upon entering your home.

“Shoes off please. What are you, an animal?”

14. When you spend a lot of time in steam rooms or saunas.

Gotta get the heat-shock proteins going.

15. When you stop caring about the cost of food.

$94 spent at Whole Foods for blackberries, avocados, and flank steak. Whole Foods? More like Whole Paycheck, am I right!?

16. When you go multiple months straight without missing a student loan payment.

Best part? That balance doesn’t move!

17. When your hangovers last for 3 days.

Why am I so depressed?

18. When you’re always wondering how your hurt your back or neck.

So you spend $75 on a pillow that doesn’t work.

19. When you spend as much money on cheese as you do your electricity bill.

Gotta have it, though.

20. You buy bottles of wine that cost double digits.

$12? Must be good.

* image by Anna Andersson Fotografi /

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