Observations From A Guy That Knows Absolutely Nothing About Women

Humans are an irrational species. How do you explain the reasoning of a man and woman who are dating that choose to have a knockdown, drag-out fight with one another in a bar? Alcohol is a factor, sure, but there are other, more deep-seeded issues behind a verbal spat in public between two people who are dating.

The rationale behind why men and women do anything is completely nonsensical. On your way to work this morning, why did you brush your teeth and then get in the shower when you usually shower and then brush your teeth? Why didn’t you say hello to the security guard working the front desk when you usually at least give him a wave hello? Life is full of these little decisions that don’t even register with us when we’re doing them.

Now, I have never claimed to “get” women. They’re smarter than men and it’s really not up for debate. I’m not Mel Gibson in What Women Want (I’m certainly not saying I want to be Mel Gibson, the guy is a lunatic) and I’m not some dating guru. I’m just a mediocre guy trying my best not to mess up the current relationship that I have.

This is not about me knowing exactly what women are thinking and it’s not a takedown of the fairer sex. These are all observations that I’ve made over a period of a few years and they do not represent anyone associated with me. These opinions are my own and no one else’s.

There’s just something different about how a woman thinks and this should not be news to anyone reading this. Women in their 20s are some of the most indecisive human beings in the entire world. Whether we’re talking about that age-old cliche regarding the picking of a restaurant or what they should wear to an upcoming party, the portion of the brain that controls decisions in a woman’s mind is far different from that of a man’s. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, I’m merely making observations.

All I can do is recount a couple of times where logic, sound reasoning, and level-headedness were thrown far, far out the window. These are all great examples of why I feel that I may never fully understand the inner workings of the female brain. The mind of a woman must be chaotic beyond comprehension because I can’t get a read on a single goddamn one of them.

Exhibit A

I have a friend named Phoebe who doesn’t mince words. Here’s a quote from her early last Friday night when we were sitting on my couch having a beer and discussing a mutual acquaintance.

“EW. I saw her at the bar last weekend making out with Stephanie’s ex boyfriend and she knew all of us saw it. Fucking slut, man. I can’t stand that bitch.” Phoebe said that at 8:00 p.m.

At 11:30 p.m., when we ran into the aforementioned at a pregame do you want to know what happened? Phoebe ran up to her like she was a diabetic and the girl she had just been talking shit about was a vial of insulin.

“Oh my God. SO glad you came to this thing. We were like, just about to leave but let’s take a shot. Your boobs look amazing right now.”

Men do not do this. If they see a guy at a party that they hate, they’re not going out of their way to even say hello. They’ll ignore them all night and that’ll be it. But in a girls mind, at my age, it’s not only encouraged to say hello to your enemies, it’s expected. Bizarro world.

Exhibit B

I was on a walk last summer with a girl who I had been seeing for a few months. We had just eaten brunch and even got ice cream after it was all said and done. But as we walked back to her apartment, ice cream cones in hand, she spotted a gas station and said that we simply had to stop and get something to drink. So we stopped.

For twenty minutes inside of a Speedway just a block and a half from her apartment, we stopped and looked at the beverage options they had to offer. It was hot outside. I was exhausted from walking and groggy from the food I had just eaten. I wanted to have sex with her.

But for twenty minutes I stood with her in front of a refrigerator full of options and watched her try and decide between buying a sugar free Red Bull and a Gatorade Frost. She eventually settled on a slushee, because of course she did. Can you explain the reasoning behind this kind of behavior? I’d love to see you try. It isn’t possible.

Exhibit C

We sat down in a dimly lit bar and ordered margaritas. I don’t even like margaritas and I wasn’t hungry. I wanted to go home. Wednesday night is not an ideal night for me to be out swigging margs.

I like to be in bed by 9:00 p.m. on Wednesday nights, not knocking back tequila with girls who don’t want to sleep with me. I was doing Lauren a favor because we’ve been friends since before college. I couldn’t tell you why she wanted advice from me, but I agreed to meet her out of curiosity and pity.

“I think he’s stealing from me, but I can’t be sure because I have so much jewelry it’s hard to inventory when I don’t actually have an inventory. You know what I’m saying?”

“Why don’t you confront him about it?” I said.

“Because I like the idea of it all. I’d rather continue assuming he’s stealing from me than find out whether he actually is or not.”

“So what is it you like about this guy?”

“Nothing really. He’s not particularly attractive. The sex is good, but it’s not anything mind-blowing, you know? His best quality is that I believe he’s stealing from me. And I want to keep it that way.”

Are you annoyed with this line of conversation yet? Because I could keep going, but I think you’d start bleeding from your ears if you had to listen to the rest of that hour long conversation we had about some asshole that Lauren was fucking.

When I was sitting there listening to her rationalize why she was seeing a guy who was probably stealing jewelry from her I wanted nothing more than to storm out. I sat there and listened to her ramble because I was trying to understand. I so badly want to understand but I’m coming to terms with the fact that I simply can’t.
I think the best we can do as men is realize that some things (like women and outer space) are best left unexplained. It hurts my brain to try. Women are a mystery. Fin.

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