Stop Waiting In Line At Breakfast Restaurants You Idiot

What the fuck is wrong with you? Yeah you, the person waiting in line at a breakfast restaurant.

You got nothing better to do at 9am on a Saturday morning? Wait in line for 45 minutes to eat a pancake? It’s a God damn mother fucking PANCAKE. You got nothing going on? Life is that easy you can wait in line for a pancake?

Breakfast food might be my favorite food, and the best part about it? It’s easy as fuck to make. McDonald’s pancakes taste good. A McMuffin should have 3 Michelin stars itself. Breakfast food is easy to make yourself. So easy. Go to Whole Foods, buy some super expensive thick cut bacon, roast it with a little maple syrup and there you go. Better than waiting in line for an hour. Just go buy some expensive bacon – you know the kind that comes from some free range jerked off acorn fed pig. Just buy that stuff and it’s better than waiting in line 1,000,000 % of the time.

OK, you can’t make an omelette so you’re going to wait in line for someone to scramble your eggs with goat cheese. Nothing going on with your life? Got 3 hours to spare for a fucking overcooked omelette? Oh but Steve you’ll say, it comes with a side of cantaloupe. Fuck cantaloupe.

Certain things are worth waiting in line for, like the Wrigley Field Bleachers – you gotta get a good seat. But a pancake? It’s a pancake.

I see it in every big city. All these breakfast places serve the same shit. Restaurant opens at 9am and there they are, groups of idiots waiting at 8:45 to eat an egg. Time is the most precious thing we have, spend it wisely. Nothing sounds more fun than roasting in the hot morning sun for 55 fucking minutes to eat some Hollandaise sauce poured over an egg. Maybe don’t wait in line for breakfast, go for the McMuffin, then hit the mimosas.

* for the record, I live in Chicago and have waited in line for some amazing food at some of the best restaurants. Hours. It’s worth it at times, like Hot Doug’s was, but not a pancake.

Mimosas and McMuffins tanks available here.

Drunk brunch. LINK IN BIO 🇺🇸 #mimosas & #mcmuffins @lexiedames

A post shared by Whiskey Riff (@whiskeyriff) on

  • billycruz81

    Yo son, there’s this breakfast place in my city called Snow City Cafe that has this king crab eggs benedict and a king salmon eggs benedict. It’s dope son. Worth waiting in line for. Motherfucking Barack Obama went to this place when he was here. Closed it down. Bought out all the pastries. This shit is presidential good son. So shut that face of yours and get in line. And not at the dick restaurant to eat your usual breakfast of dicks, naw son, this breakfast restaurant boiiiiii!

    • billhoidas

      youre an idiot with no life and a snowflake to boot

      • The serpent says.

        You keep saying this to people. Find a better hobby, son.

      • Reid Davis

        hahah you made an insult and called someone a snowflake. hahahah you used words. that’s really impressive. PS whats a snowflake and why are you bullying people with the word?

        • Porst

          Some political bullshit that means nothing due to its application to everything. It’s like me calling you a faucet or a mongoose and expecting you to be super offended by it just because I heard other people do it.

          • Janice Rael

            A faucet? This is a family website, sir, your post is reported!

        • John Power
        • Reid Davis

          Porst: hahah, Janice: hahah!

        • Gum_ball_death

          Snowflakes love to misuse the word “bullying”. …and to answer your question more accurately than what Porst posted: The term “snowflake” is typically applied to the hyper-sensitive, coddled Millennial generation(and younger). As in, “every snowflake is unique and special”. It’s a play off of that.
          Typically, these hipster towns are full of the “snowflakes”….Portland, Austin, etc. That’s where they often flock to. Anyway…glad I could help with the term.

          • chibi

            ah yes, making funnies about breakfast is super sensitive. you nailed it. and it’s totally not oversensitive to scream (reverse) racism if someone says maybe don’t go around killing black people for no reason.

          • Gum_ball_death

            Don’t forget to take your meds today.

          • Icewaterchrist

            It actually originated with the mentally ill protagonist of Fight Club.

          • TuckerdogNC

            How did this bullsh!t get into an article about standing in line for fucking breakfast pancakes? Seriously.

        • Robert Blanchard

          “Snowflake” is a conservative favorite to call liberals these days. It suggests they meltdown with the slightest amount of heat/pressure applied to them – At least that’s my middle of the road perception :)

          • Dave_Plankton

            I’ve seen it used the other way- to describe (Christian) Conservatives who believe that there is a conspiracy against them and that they are being persecuted; the sort of person who believes that extending human rights to others infringes on their religious rights.

            They’re special little snowflakes who deserve special attention.

          • Sarah M

            Snowflake is a term that describes MILLENNIALS who have no resilience.

          • Jimmy

            no its a blanket term for over sensitivity. You’re being a snowflake about what snowflake means to you. ya snowflake.

          • Sarah M

            Only a millennial would think that. It’s a term genx coined for millennials who can’t stand the heat, but refuse to get out of the fire and expect everyone else to extinguish it for them.

          • Fernando Garza

            I think that interpretation is a bit too “deep” for them, if only.

          • donny1020

            The only thing in the middle of the road is a yellow line and some dead animals.

        • jimbodacious

          Yeah, I got your snowflakes right here. Individually, we may not be anything big, but you get a bunch of us together and you better watch your ass. We’ll pwn you, hard!
          https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B0RWLxOFGLY

          • Sarah M

            Oh lord. Just stop. Read your post again and maybe you’ll realize why every other generation (before and after) hates you.

        • No

          there really must be an algorithm of some type that can generate, given a few values, the rate at which a comment thread on any, ANY, article on the internet will eventually degenerate into a weird, troll’y politicism

      • david f

        You sound like the triggered snowflake, billycruz here is making total sense. You’re pissed. Fuck you’re soft.

        • chibi

          lol are you 12?

          • Tater Gumfries

            Yep. He is.

      • Grant Zimmerman

        Only morons use the term snowflake…Sarah Palin comes to mind….

      • billycruz81

        Lol

    • TuckerdogNC

      word up.

    • New Guy

      Pancake Pantry (in the photo) doesn’t have king crab eggs benedict or a king salmon eggs benedict. It’s pancakes.

      • toastedink

        I’m originally from Nashville. And let me tell you how the Pancake Pantry is some hot garbage.

    • donny1020

      You’re in Anchorage why not just pick up a fresh blue and a fresh king instead of something that has been frozen in brine before it reaches your table?

      • billycruz81

        When i lived in Juneau i had fresh king constantly in the summers. Local limit was 3 a day and i only ever had 1 time i went fishing and caught nothing. When i moved to Anchorage i tried to catch a king for 2 years and never did. I’ll let this wonderful restaurant provide the king.

  • Brian Keith

    Wow. Sounds like the author needs to get fucking laid to let go some of that pent-up aggression. Stop worrying about what people do on a Weekend Morning. It’s really none of your fucking business, dillweed.

    • Come on, Brian, just ranting, making most people laugh. The amount of shares proves that. People complain about this subject all the time in big cities, as you may or may not know – just havin’ some fun with it!

      – happily engaged, getting laid.

      • Me2

        I’m glad someone got the point! Even in these days it’s possible to take things just a bit too seriously.

    • billhoidas

      youre an idiot with no life

      • Reid Davis

        you just call people idiots. that’s really “no life”

        • themisterlister

          you two were meant to be 💞

        • billycruz81

          Pretty sure he’s/she’s just trolling.

      • chibi

        *you’re

    • Somewhere in the Middle

      Fuck your cantaloupe Brian

  • Christopher Yarmer

    Sounds like someone doesn’t get the point.

  • Donna Wiley Marston

    I probably would have enjoyed the article except for the bad language.

    • Nematocyte

      Go fuck yourself you sensitive little twat nugget.

    • Gum_ball_death

      Fuck off, you cunt-fuck!

  • MiLo Frisbie

    Steve, you’re an idiot if you’d eat anything from a fast food joint. Maybe my town is blessed but most restaurants here are generally less than a ten to fifteen minute wait and during that time you can talk with others, drink a bit of coffee, even look over the menu to decide what you’re going to order. Maybe you’ve been eating too much of that McDonald’s crap.

  • Anon7

    My spot serves eggs benedict with homemade hollandaise and goddamn pork belly. Do you know what a pain it is to make hollandaise that tastes this good? Do you know the heaven that is pork belly? I will continue to gleefully wait in line, and eat your portion too.

    Egg mcmuffins are a joke next to my glorious, glorious breakfast

    • orwellianfuture

      No, it’s not. It actually is easy to make Hollandaise. I’ve done it, repeatedly. The hard part is the poached egg. And that is just technique, which we (society) have sacrificed for convience.

      And pork belly is extra thick cut bacon. That is what bacon is.

      • zztop

        There’s a difference between making Hollandaise sauce and making good Hollandaise sauce.

        • orwellianfuture

          True. But with fresh ingredients and a little patience… not hard. The right equipment helps. Whisk, double boiler, or a small metal pan that fits into a pot and being able to separate egg yolks. It is three ingredients, egg yolks, butter (real) and lemon juice. Wa la!

          Want to know the trick? Do not let the water boil. The water in the double boiler. The water should just be brought to a simmer, small bubbles rising to the surface. And then do not stop whisking. Have all ingredients ready before you start. As with any recipe. Add the butter in slowly in a slow stream, while whisking. That’s it.

          You do that, and you will have great tasting Hollandaise.

          • Mrzmyc

            Put one egg yolk in a 2 cup pyrex measuring cup – put an immersion blender to the bottom of the cup – turn it on and pour 1 stick of boiling hot, just melted butter into the cup – add some white pepper and lemon juice and you’re done.

          • orwellianfuture

            Just make sure your butter is “boiling hot” and not “just melted”. The risk you run there is not having the egg “cooked” unless you use a pasteurized egg. If that works for you, great.

            Btw, one egg yolk? The ratio for classic Hollandaise is 4 egg yolks to 1/2 cup butter (1 stick). Or blender, immersion blender 3:1.

          • Anon7

            Also as a side note – I’ve actually made decent hollandaise on the stovetop and (seriously) in the microwave (once), BUT – you have to buy a ton of eggs, and you have to have all the ingredients for the rest of the benedict, which I never have – which would total out to around $15 at the grocery store if you count the bacon, which ain’t as good as whatever sorcery they’re making with this pork belly. OR – I could have it delivered to me perfectly for the same price and NOT worry about screwing it up! Then I don’t have to eat a week’s worth of english muffins which aren’t really healthy anyway, just because I feel guilty. Though they are really delicious, admittedly.

          • Thank you for the tips. And yes, surprisingly, some things do require effort and practice. Weird, eh?

          • themisterlister

            they do not! you can get that stuff at a restaurant swiftly! effort and patience has earned this man nothing more than every person at a brunch place has available to them

      • fanofcleonjones

        I can poach an egg. No big deal. Key ingredient is patience. Hollandaise? That’s above my pay rate.

      • Anon7

        I have done it too – but when it’s done perfectly, delivered to me on a hot plate, with a delicious slab of pork belly underneath and perfectly seasoned (read: spicy with some other crazy flavors I can’t pinpoint) home fries, coupled with a bellini – yes, my breakfast is superior. So superior.

        But I’m also a yuppy from brooklyn, and we *really* take our brunches to heart.

        • themisterlister

          get out of here brooklyn with your weekend-only brunch spots :P

          • Anon7

            Pro-tip: the good ones are 7 days a week

          • themisterlister

            jeezes i hope you are dying in a fire and someone shouts out to you “PRO TIP: PUT OUT THAT FIRE”

    • MattGilles

      If you can’t make eggs benedict you must have a hard time boiling pasta. Hollandaise sauce is extremely easy to make and poached eggs are even easier as long as you have figured out you need to add vinegar to your water.

      That being said, it’s still fun to go out just because you can sit down and have someone else prepare the food, serve it to you and most important, do the dishes.

      • Anon7

        Oh I can and have made it. I make homemade cinnamon rolls and do all sorts of everything, from gnocchi to lamb. BUT – it takes a stupid amount of time to: go to a specialty butcher and get a cut of pork belly that’s this good, buy eggs, buy english muffins, buy potatoes and cut them all into cubes, buy spicy seasoning for the potatoes and measure them out and mix them in, then poach the eggs, make the hollandaise, roast the potatoes, and serve it all on a hot plate.

        Costs about the same; the grocery bill is around $15-$20 when you count the meat and you’re buying good ingredients, but if you buy it at a store you don’t feel obligated to finish an entire carton of english muffins over the week, considering they’re pretty unhealthy.

    • pr

      Hollandaise? You can make decent stuff from a freaking package! Poaching eggs – hard? Hello! Crack egg. Drop into water. Remove from water when poached. Pork belly? Really? You need something that’s been braised for six hours – regular thick cut slab of lousy old bacon not good enough for you? Author is 100% right – you CAN do it yourself.

      • Anon7

        “You can make decent stuff from a freaking package!”

        ….Well. I never expected to get into a rumble over eggs, but here we are.

        Some people like music, I personally cannot tell jazz from blues. Some people like sports, I could not tell you who is the coach of any single team. Some people like wine, I cannot distinguish between most of them.
        But personally – I like *GOOD* FOOD! And anyone who has really spent a lot of time learning about the art of food, will understand the absurdity of your statement about hollandaise that: “You can make decent stuff from a freaking package!”.
        No, poor soul. You cannot not make “decent” hollandaise from a freaking package – hollandaise from a package makes it officially inedible (making it’s existence a paradoxical mystery, but I digress).
        And, if you can’t distinguish the difference between bacon and pork belly, I fear there is no hope for you. Pork belly is joy, and bacon (ok is likewise joy) but not at the same level.
        I like bacon, and will eat it all the time! But I also REALLY like pork belly, and have no problem waiting in line to enjoy it – ESPECIALLY when coupled with perfect, delicious, homemade hollandaise.

        If you like art – heya go for! Enjoy Cezanne to your hearts content. If you like cars, spend all your time learning every detail about them!
        And if you like food, by all means, eat the good stuff! I personally really like homemade gnocchi, or sichuan dan dan noodles. Food is joy, when it’s done right.

    • TuckerdogNC

      There is no reason – ever – to go into a McDonald’s, except to pee. If you are traveling on the interstate, they are at practically every exit, they are usually fairly clean and you know where it usually is. Other than that, there is never ever any reason whatsoever to eat at a McDonald’s restaurant. Not even if your are 7 and only eat fake chicken nuggets.

    • stevelittle

      Pork Belly is a Food Network trend that really needs to go away. Now. Like Avocado Ice Cream…

      • Anon7

        Pork Belly is only a food trend for Americans, it’s been around as long as any other cut of meat, and has been enjoyed like bacon in many other cultures. Korean barbecue, hello? The only reason it hasn’t caught on until now is because it has “belly” in the name, and Americans are notoriously freaked out by organ meats – especially post WWI.

  • RoughRugger

    A’ight, so I live in Nashville, the home of the Pancake Pantry in the picture. I can attest with authority that it’s JUST A PANCAKE. Not a king crab benny or basically anything you can’t get in pretty much any IHOP around the country. THEY DON’T EVEN HAVE MIMOSAS.

    Most of the folks in line are tourists…

    • Gum_ball_death

      Tourists and hipsters.

      • RoughRugger

        Oh lawd, PP is too lowbrow & common for hipsters…plus they’d have to cross the river to get there lol

      • donny1020

        It’s amusing how hipsters like to call people hipsters. Just do a line of meth and forget about breakfast.

        • Gum_ball_death

          It’s amusing how people who don’t know someone will attempt to paint a picture of them and label it…out of some desperate attempt to have relevance in a discussion. Trust me Donny…if you’ve seen those lines outside of the Portland Donut/Pancake shops, you’d understand my direct observation and how it doesn’t take a hipster to spot a hipster…nor does it take a tourist to spot a tourist. Anyway…about that meth…you got some? My stomach’s growling for food, but I’m not ready to eat just yet.

  • PREACH

  • Kyle Newman

    Then you’ve never eaten at Mother’s in NOLA.

  • Roger Christenson

    Wrigley Field Bleachers? Get a comfortable Lazyboy chair in front of your TV!

  • Patrick Fontes

    Mother Fucking Chile Verde Omelette with country fried potatoes and a side of biscuits and gravy, yea try whipping that up at home in the morning. The chile verde has to simmer over night, slow roasting. Homemade tortillas?
    Menudo?
    There are more breakfasts in America than plain vanilla pancakes – and yes, fresh homemade tortillas with your chile verde omelette is definitely worth a line

    • Scott Larsen

      Make your own blog post. Please. I never know where to eat in Fresno. Actually Visalia, but if I’d go to Fresno for some of what you’re talking about…

    • TuckerdogNC

      I think he was talking specifically about pancakes.

  • John Power

    I hate waiting. Get there early or fuck that move on to the next place.

  • DamionThorn

    Clearly, you’ve never had an exceptional breakfast.

  • thew_nyc

    By this logic why go out to eat ever anywhere? There are very few foods I cannot cook at home if I want to. What I never want to do is eat some McDonald’s crap

  • Steve Govern

    These writers are so angry. One day I am getting yelled at for flip-flops and now waiting for breakfast? They need hugs people. 1 like = 1 hug. It’s ok buddy. We’re here for you.

  • Gum_ball_death

    When I lived in Portland, I’d always see a line of hipsters around the block for these types of places….whether it’s for a pancake, a f’n donut, etc. They’re just sheep trying to do what they think is the hip thing to do…like waste their time by waiting in line for an hour to eat a f’n donut…because that’s what the Hipster Handbook tells them to do!
    My ex-gf was one of them…f’n slut.

    • themisterlister

      i think you are misusing “hipster”

      • Gum_ball_death

        Well, “thinking” doesn’t mean you’re right with your claim. I’m well aware of what a hipster is.

        • themisterlister

          well no skin off of my nose if you delight in your ignorance.

          i hear it is bliss!

          😎

          • Gum_ball_death

            Wow, you’re dumb.

          • themisterlister

            when in rome

          • Gum_ball_death

            Ok…now you’re EXTREMELY dumb.

        • themisterlister

          sorry for phrasing it gently

          you are using that word wrong

  • Tony U

    You need friends, Steve. The best part is hanging out with buds and catching up, breaking bread with friends, anticipating restaurant quality food, and being served, is part of the entire experience. Look into it.

    • I live in one of the best food cities on Earth, Chicago. I eat, and have eaten at some of the best restaurants known to man. Waiting in line for an hour for a pancake isn’t what I am looking into. Ever. I waited in line for 3 hours for our famed Hot Doug’s when it was around. Totally worth it.

      • themisterlister

        the same chicago where they make pizzas out of cake?

  • Jeremy Stacy

    I’m usually hungover af and just want something to eat while I order up a gang of Bloody Marys. I always have my girl with me too (also hungover af, also loves mimosas) so we get to spend some quality time together people watching and figuring out what tf we actually did the night before while we wait. Also, this usually takes place between 11am and high noon. None of that 9am bs in my town.

  • Dave_Plankton

    Fucking pancakes? Sunday breakfast is a 10 oz blue steak with three fried eggs and hash browns accompanied by a jug of Bloody Marys.

    Best bit is that ultra-religious types don’t eat in the sort of bars I like, so there’s no rush when church kicks out and never any wait to get seated or for service.

  • Chris Kassel

    Use the word fuck more in your posts. It makes you sound all edgy and street.

    • TuckerdogNC

      Woke.

  • kboogie

    lol. I dedicate this post to Cinton Street Bakery in Lower East Side – which I still haven’t been able to try to see if they are actually the best pancakes in NYC because there is always an hour wait on weekends. I see you too Café Luluc in Brooklyn, sometimes.

  • Kroniq

    If you notice a higher-than-normal incidence of aholes in these comments, please note that this was a paid placement on fb. Paid. You need clicks that bad?

  • TuckerdogNC
  • I’m such a good cook that I never eat breakfast out anywhere because I can always do it better myself. Ok maybe if I’m drunk and it’s early in the morning, maybe then. I agree, don’t wait in line for a bunch of crappy food served by a waitress too busy to get your order right. Come over and I’ll cook you the best breakfast ever, but you have to clean up. I don’t do that.

  • yankinwaoz

    Ha! Every year IHOP has free pancakes on national pancake day. And you drive by and there are people waiting hours for their FREE PANCAKE. Just blows me away. Seriously. How much does your life suck when standing in line for 3 hours for a free pancake sounds like a good idea?

    • themisterlister

      it’s a fundraiser

  • If you’re not doing it, why do you care? Surely, people do way worse things to complain about.

  • For the record, you live in Chicago so shut the fuck up. You don’t wait in a line in Nashville but you still wrote an article about it? Really? Yea that’s not completely ridiculous. How bout write about Chicago?

    Also, you’re not wrong, you’re just another idiot playing off this town that “used to live” here or “is moving soon”.

    EYE ROLL

  • bob sham

    As a Nashvillain I can vouch that Pancake Pantry is mostly over-rated for sure. Definitely not worth the wait and is pretty much a tourist trap at peak meal times. But I gotta give them this, they slow cook cook their grits properly in house and they are good and creamy. You might think this isn’t a big deal, but you’d be shocked at how many southern breakfast joints just phone in their grits game. They ain’t three hour wait good but they’re good. If you go on a weekday around 1 you probably don’t have to wait more than a few minutes, usually. A guy died trying to break into the place once. Got stuck in the oven vents, I think. Think about that next time you’re waiting for pancakes.